sexual abuse
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I was depressed for a very long time. All through my teen years and most of my 20s. Many many very serious suicide attempts. Longtime addiction. Etc etc etc. I still feel sad sometimes (when necessary) but mostly I am way above baseline. Like technicolor silly happy stupid happy. How can that be? Did I…
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For me it was a long way down the line, after years and years of healing work, of prayer, and of raging (in therapy and in prayer) at my abusers, that I was ready to open myself to the possibility of forgiveness. No amount of willed or false or hopeful forgiveness was going to fix…
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Childhood trauma can lead to an adulthood spent in survival mode, afraid to plant roots, to plan for your future, to trust, to let joy in. Many of us have been trained into negative speculation (negatively guessing what other people think, or what the future holds) because of our upbringing and our trauma. I used…
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I’m not here to write only about the part of my journey where I overcame everything and I now live fully victorious. If I wrote like that, I’d be lying. Does Nirvana really exist? I don’t think so. If it did, I don’t want it. I ordered Massaman Curry today. It was a dish my…
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I wasn’t the depressed guy that stayed in bed all day, let their house fall apart around them, and never did the dishes. That just wasn’t me. I falsely believed that because I went constantly, I wasn’t depressed. When questioned by my counselor if I was depressed, I’d say an emphatic no. I wasn’t the…
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I’m not here to write only about the part of my journey where I overcame everything and I now live fully victorious. If I wrote like that, I’d be lying. Does Nirvana really exist? I don’t think so. If it did, I don’t want it. I ordered Massaman Curry today. It was a dish my…
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My mind was a suspicious, surprising tool. In my early years, it spent all its time hiding away my family secrets and blending in other, more palatable scenes in order to survive. This Kenny Rogers song reminds me of that: Daytime Friends Daytime friends and nighttime lovers. Hoping no one else discovers. Where they go,…
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I had a fantastic counselor. I’ll refer to him as Red. Red helped guide me into change. I reflect often on the lessons I’ve learned with him and would not hesitate to call him if I needed his loving guidance again. I’ve been with him for over 15 years. He may be the longest, constant…
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When insatiable pain enters my soul, I’m perplexed with indecision. I can run away from it or I can try to devour it and end it’s sting. If I don’t outrun it, then it finds me. If I try to look at it, it overtakes me. These feel like two really bad choices. I hate…
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Of people pleasing, that is. You think if I were raised by people who held nothing but disdain for me, I would hate people. To the contrary, I’ve all too often kissed everyone’s ass. I am tired of it! The older I get the more God shows me to look only at myself. “U C…