struggle
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I used to believe growth arrived with companionship. A friend. A mentor. A wise voice pointing the way. Instead, some of the greatest growth in my life arrived through isolation. Not the isolation I chose, but the kind handed to me without my consent. The unanswered prayers. The empty spaces. The seasons when heaven seemed…
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When will my internal dialogue be good to me? If I spoke to others the way I sometimes speak to myself, I wouldn’t have very many friends. Do I call others fat? Do I tell other people they’re not good enough? How many times have I questioned the validity of another person’s dreams, hopes and…
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The pursuit of happiness, the hunt to end pain – much of this all can seem meaningless. Does pain end? Is happiness something that is attainable? Why do I waste my words talking about such ugliness? My days on this earth are numbered. I won’t be here forever and I know this is not my…
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No matter what I did for my parents, it was met with disappointment. Even when they abused me, if I couldn’t complete the task because of a physical limitation, I was gripped with fear that they would now approve of me less. Loving me less wasn’t even a thing because love didn’t live in our…
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No deposit was ever made in me as a child from my parents that would have led me to believe in trust. That’s a great big inadequacy in a human being. Another broken spot. Another spec folks find in me and place additional blame and just another place to find no meaning. As I sat…
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When I kept my story hidden the weight was too enormous to bear. The older I got, the heavier that weight became. So, I told my story. As a little girl my deepest longing was to belong and to be loved. It was very simple. If I had told on my parents and exposed their…
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My dad loved Johnny Cash, but he loved chaos and control more. My father would drink until his legs betrayed him and he was forced to give in; subdued only until his strength returned. Denial became my gift as a child. Trust? That’s a fucking joke. Trust lived nowhere near our street and never came…