When I lived in a blank reality of no memory, I could live shrouded by denial. No feeling in. No feeling out. No memory in. No memory out. I lived this way for the first 35 years of my life. It wasn’t like I meant to, it was just formed in me from years of intolerable abuse.
At 35 I could no longer take my existence. It just absolutely sucked and I was at the end. My children were paying for my absence through denial and it was now taking a tremendous toll on me, too.
The odd thing was I didn’t drink, smoke, cuss or like to hang out with those that did in those early days. The Spirit of Religion had taught me well.
When I stepped into my full reality, pain hit me like a Mac truck. I was alive for the first time and I loved it, but it hurt – alot. It was grossly messy and yet I was learning myself for the first time.
I remember those years well. It was an awakening of sorts. The awakening, however, included a healthy dose of pain. To learn myself I had to walk back through the hidden canals of yesterday – a task I hadn’t been willing to take until then.
The journey would take me back to a motel room I’d been in at the tender age of three where I witnessed my father slay an innocent woman after raping her. Trying to piece that back together would be a formidable process that took years.
You know why it took years?
The other memories that came along with it. Memories so vile I had to convince myself that me, God and my counselor could do it.
Oh the pain that rushed into my viens as I again witnessed each atrocity. No, it wasn’t easy.
I could drink seven Cadallac margaritas in one night because it matched the pain of my reality. I never missed work. You see, I wouldn’t have been able to sleep if I didn’t knock myself out. I had deep fear of the dreams that would come during those years. Dreams of the dead lady in my car or another brutal attack by someone I loved.
To stop the pursuit was impossible for me. I could not even though the pain was immeasurable then.
I knew one day I would get through that time. And, I have. Today I can enjoy moderation in all things. You know why — God healed my brokenheart and my pain has disappeared.
Don’t let anyone judge you.
Keep going. My love and God’s love is with you. #UCU
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