Each week we will answer an anonymous message received at BitsnB1218@gmail.com or through DM. There are more than 60 million survivors of childhood sexual crimes. One in nine don’t report. The real number of victims is staggering but few will talk about it. We will.
From anonymous: “I wanted to share with you. I was having a difficult time Wednesday night. About the abuse, about the abuse we had and of children it’s happening to now. It makes me so angry! So, I had another conversation with God because I was feeling upset about it, because sometimes I feel so vulnerable talking about it yet I know it’s the right thing. Plus the fact that my dad beat me up so badly and that at times it still bothers me. I ask myself why did he do it.
In so many words you said you gave up on asking yourself why. I get that too. Sometimes it just seems so futile. I only saw my brother get beat up not the other kids and again they say they had a good childhood so this plays into me asking why. Why only me and my brother.
Anyway, I asked God should I talk about the abuse? Then I told him I already know the answer to that. The answer is yes I continued to talk to Him, but sometimes it feels so uncomfortable, no, a lot of times it feels uncomfortable. And some continue to stay silent for whatever reason; they are not ready to talk, they don’t understand or have a difficult time imagining it happening to someone or maybe it is the ones who sit in judgement that bothers me. A lot of times for me it is the silent judgement of others. I am talking about people outside the family. I remind myself I don’t need anyone’s validation I only need God’s validation. Sometimes it is difficult to be a WARRIOR.”
Dear Anonymous: Your words in your email so resonate with me. I get it. So does God – as you know. I want to say that we never forget the abuse. While God eases our suffering and pain, the memories stay with us. I don’t talk about this a lot, but maybe I should. When I was in denial about my upbringing, in an abusive marriage and just playing the role of being a good daughter, sister, wife and mother, I never drank. When I left my abusive marriage and began to talk about the horrific childhood I lived through, I started drinking. While I explored the murder, the rapes, the sodomy – I continued to drink. I also continued to grow. I stayed close to God and sometimes I wanted to run from him, but I knew he was spurring me on. On to the truth.
Opening the memories to the murder, and my many other childhood memories, left in me a spot that needs to be guarded and protected now. I cannot watch many movies because the triggers a slit throat will cause, a rape scene brings such grief and so on. When I was in denial, I could watch it all – kind of. My hidden memories would try to poke through my mind, but I could block them – until I could not.
My point is the journey that God brings us to is a complete place of authentic healing. We know who we are, what we’ve experienced, and how to get on with life. We are known fully to ourselves in a way. With that, unfortunately, comes a sense of loss, confusion, and much grief. I still experience it. I overcome many bad thoughts and memories by using the tools God has given us in his word. Pressing on towards the goal of heaven. This life is a drop in the bucket of the eternal ocean we will one day sail.
Hold on dear friend. I’m proud that you took the trek less traveled. We are much better for it. In the end, we need to lean into caring for ourselves. We need to allow God to show up in those broken areas and bring his healing balm through his love. Counseling alone cannot heal a broken heart – only God can do that.
There is no good reason for children to be abused. The why is a moot point. They will answer to God.
Continue to journey on. Don’t listen to the naysayers, those that judge what God has called us to do. Indeed, it is the call of God that exposes the hidden areas of life for one reason – to bring his healing touch. Remember when Jesus stood up and said he came to heal the brokenhearted and set the captive free. Leaving captivity doesn’t erase our minds, doesn’t eradicate the soul wounds, and certainly doesn’t give us new flesh. It all remembers. However, thru the spirit of God all things begin to take on new beginnings.
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