I remember being asked the question, “What is your deepest fear?”
My response always seemed odd, but it was the first thing my mind answered, “Having someone sit next to me in my deepest suffering.”
Isn’t that strange?
I always thought so, too, but it was the only answer my mind bellowed in response to that question.
If someone sat next to my pain, it would affirm it’s visibility. Not only seen by them, but now evident to me as well. If I kept it hidden in the darkest recesses of my mind, even I didn’t have to sit next to it.
Only God would have known how to bring me back to the memories of the murder in the motel room. I did not have the strength on my own. Not only was I without strength to return to the scene, I didn’t much have the desire. Once my mind opened the door to the murder, I wasn’t going to be stupid enough to go back for the details. My counselor would ask me about the blood. “The blood?” I’d reason with him. “No, I don’t recall that.” He’d pry and say things like, “Jodie, that had to be a bloody scene.”
I kept it hidden away. If I didn’t answer his questions my mind would not try to retrace the tracks of those years. Right?
Well, we are as sick as our secrets.
As I have walked back through my beginnings, the lessons I have learned are tremendous. The length of time to learn those lessons, longer still. But, I have learned. I’ve learned to let go and let God handle the things I cannot. The burdens that are too deep for me to recover, He presents to me in a way that I can tolerate. It’s not easy. It’s not easy at all. But, I can do it with Him by my side.
I always say reach for the stars. That way, even if you miss a star, you’ll land in the Heavens.
Make sure on the journey, you don’t blame those around who love you. It’s so easy to do but we need the strength of people, too. As much as that sometimes pains me to admit, it’s true.
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